The first day of the rest of your life.

So, I am here. It's raining and all together today is pretty much going to be a 2 out of 10. Had it been a 1, then I would still be in bed.

Last week I lost a second baby, having lost one in November also, thank-goodness I have a wonderful daughter who is four. This prompts people to make observations such as:
'Well, at least you've got a child' which is about as tactful as telling the man who's had his leg chewed off by a shark that at least he can hop.

Last time, after it happened in November, I went into a pretty black depression and scoured the internet for help, deciding to try  acupuncture, which lead me to Dr Wendy. With her help I conceived again in March and so it was to her I went again today.

 I felt slightly guilty going to see her, guilty in the sense of feeling I needed to apologize, to say

 'Sorry I messed up all your hard work, and you tried so hard and everything and there's me, whoops, butter fingers!' or butter womb, perhaps?

That's silly though, I know. I went to see her because I've spent four days reading sites on the internet again and writing furious notes about what herbs I should be taking to recover, about fertility cleansing, about fertility herbs and just how damn hard it is to conceive once you're over 40, which I am. My head was spinning and I was reciting the names over and over rather like a mantra - black cohosh, agnas castus, maca, royal jelly - waiting for a tiny payment to come through so I could buy six precious vials of magic medicine - so I made myself stop.

Take a breath, take a step back - go and see doctor Wendy.

I like her because she is polite and only gently emotional. Before her I went to a Western acupuncturist and she was very new age about things and wanted to give me books on positive visualization and stuff. She was also more expensive. She also dissaproved of my not driving, as if I was doing it to be awkward, or rather not doing it to be awkward. She was too jolly.

Dr Wendy is calm and polite.

"It was too soon, I think,' I said. 'I think it was too soon after the last one, I wasn't fully recovered.'
'Yes,' says Dr Wendy. 'You right.'

Medical ball bearings

She brings out six boxes of little black pills, medical ball-barrings to lubricate the works.

'Take 12 each twice a day, that 24 morning, 24 night, okay? Take with warm water and come see me one month.' She takes my pulse, I am stressed, very stressed, but my tongue is good.

'Wait six month before try again, get well, yes?'

Six months.

Time stretches away from me, a conveyer belt heading over a cliff.

I'm old, I want to say, I'm old and my good egg years were wasted on bastards and it's too late, it's too late!

I breath, I nod, I smile and know she is right.

I tell myself that I have three friends who all conceived when they were 42, and one again when she was 45 - and one for the first time at 46 - that it will be better to never get pregnant again than to conceive and loose another pregnancy. I tell myself that I am not 'not' trying, that I am building myself and getting read to have a healthy baby this time, to carry one to term this time.

Super food avocado, tomatoes, home made organic bread

I'm changing my diet subtly, I'm going to start trying yoga to calm myself down - I'm giving myself time to heal. I'm going to cut out as much sugar as I can, use full fat dairy products, organic when I can because of the hormones in the milk. As much fruit and veg as I can eat, whole grain, wholewheat pasta and so forth, plenty of nuts and seeds and water, lots of water. No alcohol, trying not to eat non-organic meat - all of it to make myself stronger, cleaner, happier.

And I'll keep reading about herbs, I expect.

Lunch - super foods blueberries and cherries

I feel better. Enough to make today a 2.